Snowflake Challenge #3

[elliebird]

In your own space, Scream Into the Void. Get it all out.

Maybe not so much screaming as waxing nostalgic for a time when young people weren’t going around screaming “pedophile” at authors.

Nostalgic for a time when Tumblr tags weren’t filled with “r*pe tw” and stupid words like “unalive,” when we didn’t have to bite our tongue and watch what we say so we aren’t dragged through mud because we dare to have an opinion that goes against whatever the morality police are hissing about at the moment.

Nostalgic for writing underage (or RPF or a dozen other things) without having to lock down the fic, moderate comments and disclaim any bashing will be deleted.

I have found a new fandom and for the first time in years, I’m having fun writing and commenting, and engaging. But every time I sit down to write, I censor myself. I want to write loving, sexy porn between a fictional seventeen-year-old and his twenty-one-year-old boyfriend. And it’s exhausting. I hate that the loudest part of fandom are these kids who come into my space and the spaces of others to tell me – a 41-year-old lesbian who lived in the Castro at 8 years old and watched her mom nurse dying men – that queer is a slur.

I am nostalgic for the early 2000s when fandom was on LJ and my friendslist was (mostly) queer folks 5-10 years older than me, writing beautiful fic and meta and allowing me to learn from them, make mistakes and grow. I’m a better person because of what being in fandom in those safe places taught me and I hate that it’s so much harder to find those places now.

I wish so much that things were different with regard to fandom. I suppose that’s why I’m trying, once again, to make this a place where I can share my thoughts and not have to worry that the only interaction will be 3 anons calling me a terrible person.

I don’t make a habit of “screaming into the void” because I try to be optimistic, for no other reason than my life is easier when I am. I don’t think LJ was perfect. But I miss being able to explore my own identity, my own likes and dislikes, fantasies and kinks through fic and posts and interactions with others, without having it turned into judgment about the kind of person I am.

Comments

[sodium_amytal]

1000000% this.

[elliebird]

Thank you for reading and commenting. I know so many people feel the same and it's nice to be in a place where I can write out my thoughts and know there's someone who might relate.

[corvidology]

Welcome back!

People around here (mostly) know how to scroll and use a back button. It makes for a more peaceful life!

[elliebird]

Thank you - I hope I can find a way to make this a habit because I enjoy spending time here.

That's my favorite thing about this platform - if people disagree, they keep it to themselves or engage in thoughtful conversation.

[evilinsanemonkey]

God this resonates with me so much.

(also curious about your fandom *eyeball emoji*)

[elliebird]

Thank you so much for reading, I appreciate it.

My current shiny new thing is KinnPorsche: the Series, a Thai BL drama. I screamed a little about it here.

[tjs_whatnot]

UGH. People. Why are they just so...peoply... and disappointing? ♥

[elliebird]

It's so true, people can be disappointing. I just want to write what I want and share it without thinking about the disclaimer I'm going to write and the ways I'll protect myself from shitty comments. It's why I disengaged from fandom so much in the last few years.

[tjs_whatnot]

♥

That breaks my heart.

♥

[elliebird]

You're so lovely, thank you. I'm realizing now, thanks to being back here, that I just needed to dig a little to find a place where I feel comfortable. I also am finally understanding that you have to create your own sense of fandom and community and that while it might take more effort than twenty-years ago, it's absolutely possible and worth it.

[tjs_whatnot]

Absolutely possible and though it might look different, absolutely worth it. ♥ ♥

[peaked]

It's funny you mention "unalive" because I saw a Tweet yesterday that used it and I had to reread it so many times to understand what it was saying. There are so many eggshells to consider before you start tiptoeing through fandom now. I was too shy (and young) back in the LJ era of fandom to participate, but it definitely had a different vibe from what the loud fandom voices have now. So many things need disclaimers now because of how people organise witch hunts if someone so much as creates work featuring something they personally deem offensive. It's exhausting.

Your last line resonates. I'm really glad I saw this post and I hope that you're able to find that nice space in fandom where you can explore what you want to explore without fear of being judged or being required to defend yourself.

[elliebird]

Thank you so much for reading and for sharing your experience.

"Witch hunt" is so incredibly accurate. I've seen people get run off of Tumblr for such benign things. It's made so many people retreat from fandom. It killed the Julie and the Phantoms fandom because there were teenagers running around screaming pedophile at those of us who wrote sex scenes between 17 year olds. One of them even made a post listing the names of anyone who'd written underage and demanding people block and report us.

I'm glad you saw this post, too, thank you for your kind words.

[obstinatecondolement]

I remember when I started being a more active fandom participant rather than a lurker, I was definitely considered young by fandom standards at 21-ish. Now it seems like being in your early twenties and writing fic is basically the same thing as being a witch in a gingerbread cottage to some of these fucking kids.

[elliebird]

Honestly, the first time I saw a Tumblr post that said "Can't believe I'm 23 and still into this stupid band" I rolled my eyes so hard. Why do people (especially young women) expect us to grow out of liking and enjoying things? My life would be so much less enjoyable if I didn't have fandom.

[obstinatecondolement]

I think a lot of their ageism comes from a fear or embarrassment about the things they like being juvenile (which obviously doesn't make it any better for us to deal with their shit!). It kind of reminds me of that C.S. Lewis quote, "When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."

[silveradept]

Ugh, the conflation of what you write and read with who you are has been such a setback for fandom. There are things that need to be talked about and improved, but it's turned into a purity party in so many places, which stalls the improvement supposedly sought.

[elliebird]

Yes, well said.

Liking to read something, wanting to write it, reflects so little on who you actually are and it's so infuriating to see people scream about it, when there are so many other ways they could spend their time and energy.

[scintilla10]

It is so cool that you're in the new excitement of a new fandom, yay! But argh, it really sucks you are feeling like you have to self-censor or feeling uncertain about engaging with the fandom -- those morality/purity trends among younger fans are really uncomfortable and frustrating.

I hope you figure out what works for you for fannish engagement and fannish spaces! <3

[elliebird]

Thank you, I've missed this feeling so much! There's so much content for this fandom in particular, it's exhilarating.

Thank you for your kind words and for reading this :)

[vriddy]

<3

[elliebird]

Thank you for reading and commenting, I appreciate you :)

[shipperslist]

Nostalgic for a time when Tumblr tags weren’t filled with “r*pe tw” and stupid words like “unalive,” when we didn’t have to bite our tongue and watch what we say so we aren’t dragged through mud because we dare to have an opinion that goes against whatever the morality police are hissing about at the moment.

This happens on instagram too because the algorithm flags and hides posts that have certain words in them, including but not limited to sex, sex ed, death, rape, anorexia, die, jesus, and drag. Oh, and also everything that has to do with fat positivity. *rolls eyes*

I want to write loving, sexy porn between a fictional seventeen-year-old and his twenty-one-year-old boyfriend. And it’s exhausting. I hate that the loudest part of fandom are these kids who come into my space and the spaces of others to tell me – a 41-year-old lesbian who lived in the Castro at 8 years old and watched her mom nurse dying men – that queer is a slur.

As someone who has written a literal teenager/a man in his 30s, this is so wild. KimChay has a four years age difference and 17 is almost legally adult. Argh.

Also, the worry trolling is so tiring. And children who have no fucking clue of how the world actually works, let alone have any knowledge of history, double argh.

[elliebird]

I didn't realize that's where it comes from. I understand why they do it over there but I wish that people who choose to spend time on Tumblr would put in the effort to understand how it's used and the culture.

As someone who has written a literal teenager/a man in his 30s, this is so wild. KimChay has a four years age difference and 17 is almost legally adult. Argh.

EXACTLY. I don't understand it. (Also, I'm nostalgic for the time when I literally wrote 13 year old/18 year old incest porn and the comments were "this is so hot omg." I don't think I could post something like that these days without locking it down and turning off comments.)

[shipperslist]

Also, I'm nostalgic for the time when I literally wrote 13 year old/18 year old incest porn and the comments were "this is so hot omg." I don't think I could post something like that these days without locking it down and turning off comments.

Hm. I think that depends on the fandom, honestly. Or I might also think about times six+ years past.